“For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life.” –  John 3 vs 16

The One

There are many women out there desperate for love and marriage. Many are earnestly seeking after a ring, seeking after a man, reasoning in their minds that, I have the education, the job, all I am missing is “the one”. I was like you, earnestly and patiently waiting on Mr. Great Guy to marry me for my happy ending to begin. Even though the void did not leave me while I was with him, I convinced myself that if only I got married, then I can surrender to God to see if that could fill me up. Men and marriage came first, God and surrender came after. I am so thankful that God knows what we need and that He is a loving and merciful Father. Before I could make a second mistake and commit to a man that I was seeking salvation (deliverance) from, God saved me from myself.

In early 2015, He began to draw me close to Him. I began to desire more of the word of God. I just found myself with this urgency. I bought a huge study bible, telling myself I just want to know the Word. I started to desire more of fellowship; I wanted to be in church every Sunday. The void in my soul became more evident. I was miserable all the time. Every major decision I would make, the Lord would prompt my spirit and burden my heart about asking Him. I remember I wanted to get a house with Mr. Great Guy and my mother told me to pray about it. With my rebellious nature, I insisted not to pray about it. I went to bed that said night and while I was half asleep, the Lord said, “Unless the Lord builds a house, the work of the builders are wasted…” Psalms 127: 1 (NLT) The voice was plain and clear. I jumped from my sleep, I was in such shock, something was happening to me. I had no peace about any of the plans I made.

I would go to church get convicted, cry and feel burdened but I would not give in. I was rebelling against God, I wanted God to wait. I began to realize even in my relationship, my number one priority, the idol that I exalted above God was flawed. God began to expose and uncover some things about me and about him. Even though he was an amazing person, God revealed that he was not the answer to my problem and where my trust lied, in him, it failed. So I started to seek God again. For the first time in years, I truly wanted God to an answer. Why can’t I just marry him first? Then I will be holy and legal to have sex. Why can’t you just wait God? If I marry him and surrender to you after, you get 2 for 1 God! Can’t you see I am trying God? I am going to church and I am reading the Word. Give me some time.

My heart was still hardened towards God. I thought, if I just get married, I can have both things, my happy ending and God. I would not need to let go or give up anything, I don’t need to choose, so I hoped.

I visited Jamaica in December 2015 to see Mr. Great Guy; I was desperately hoping for a proposal. When the trip ended and I had no ring, my heart broke again. What was taking him so long? Was I not worth it? Am I not worthy? Why doesn’t he love me enough to do it already? Once again my heart was shattered. Maybe he was exploring his options, maybe he wasn’t sure about me. In my heart I felt as though I was not number one and that ripped me open, because all my heart belonged to him and all I wanted was a man who would choose me and love me.

Well in my brokenness, the God of the universe gave me a divine encounter that changed my life. He asked me one question, “Why do you want the ring so bad?” And when I was unable to answer that question, He opened my heart and showed me how selfish, dishonest, and deceitful my motives were. When He showed me who I was, for the first time, I desperately cried out to Him, I did not want to be that person anymore, I needed a Saviour. I literally felt His arms wrap around my heart saying “Why did you run away for so long?” I bawled my eyes out.  I felt this weight lift of my shoulders. I felt an acceptance no man could ever give me. My Saviour left this throne to pull me out of the broken place of worthlessness, sadness and desperation. He poured His love out on me and for the first time in my life, I felt true love, peace and contentment. I believe that it was in this moment that I truly surrendered my heart to Him.

 On February 28, 2016, I publicly declared that I will follow him, I got baptized. He later instructed me to break up with Mr. Great Guy, I did in April 2016. Though it was not easy, believe me, it wasn’t, but God graced with the strength to be able to let him go. It was never about him, God required that I take this journey alone. Because after seeking, thirsting, longing and searching, I finally found the love of my life, Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God. I am complete. I no longer have a void, I am not empty and I am not alone. All these years, I searched for a man to make me his number one, when all along I had a man who thought I was to die for, and so He gave His life to save mine. I am completely in love with Him. He is my everything and I live in Him.

Writing this blog, I cried all over again as I reflected on His intentional actions towards me and how He saved my life. He melted my heart all over again. I saw myself as a little girl, seeking love from my parents, as an adult, seeking love from men, as a lost soul, seeking approval from the world, then, I saw the hands of my Saviour, my Father, that pulled me from the pit I was in. He came into the darkness in my hour of desperation and He gave me Light. I am His. I have given my life to Him, because it is the only reasonable service I can give to thank Him for giving His life for me.

Someone needed this blog, believe me, I come with nothing but the truth, I was lost and empty on the inside. To the world, it may seem like there was no reason for me to walk away from what appeared to be a good life with a great guy on the outside, BUT, Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God rescued me and He can do the same for you.

I know this, I could not unmask myself, I tried for years and failed. But, when I accepted His love, finally, God unmasked me when “ He rescued me from the kingdom of darkness and transferred me into the Kingdom of His dear Son (the Kingdom of Light).” Colossians 1 vs 13.