“For all that is secret will eventually be brought into the open, and everything that is concealed will be brought to light and made known to all” Luke 8 vs 17

The Darkness

I have always kept secrets with the devil. Some secrets, I knew and others I hid so far away, in my mind it never existed. I had a long record with him and I was alright, or so I thought. The truth is, when a person is in darkness often times they don’t know it. There is no standard with which darkness is measured; only light can expose darkness. Until the Light found me, darkness felt good at times, darkness was the way of life and that was alright. There are so many versions of me floating around out there, depending on what stage of my life you met me, you would have experienced a different side of me. I am currently in the process of unmasking and I am exposing the darkness for what it was in my life, to reveal the power of the Light, Jesus Christ that saved me.

How does a person who has worn a mask all their life unmask? How does that person break the bondage and find freedom from captivity? How does that person become awaken to the darkness of the mask? Honestly, I had these questions, but I did not know the answers. I was raised in a family that always knew God and played an active role in church from Sunday School to President of the Youth Department. I sang on the youth choir, and during my adolescent years, I was in church every other Sunday at least. No matter where I lived, it was always a priority to attend church. Did I truly know God? No. Was there still a mask? Yes. Did the darkness still capture me? Yes. Was I in bondage? Completely.

The Appearance vs Reality

I was a woman who lived a double life. On the outside, I appeared smart, composed, driven, ambitious, outgoing and independent. It was 2015, I was heading into my final year of undergrad doing my law degree, finally landed a great guy and was anxiously waiting on the proposal to get married. It seemed as though finally, life handed me a good deal, my rainbow moment had come. On the inside, I was in denial about myself, I was a complete train wreck, I suffered from a level of brokenness not even I understood. I had no true sense of identity, all that I am was built on the education I had, the man I dated, my job and my outer body image. I had no true value or self worth.

Before the law degree and my relationship, I always struggled with these issues. I was never able to truly identify what they were before as I do now, but I always knew something was wrong with my life. I was always searching for that someone to make me feel wanted, desired, valued and appreciated. I was always in a relationship; I was never alone. I desperately sought after companionship from the opposite sex and I was seeking to find the one to make me feel loved. I had so many hidden and dark places that I felt like I was literally in a pit, I was in captivity.

Skeleton in the closet

For years I struggled with promiscuity because I was desperately seeking all the things I lacked in my life, which was love, affection, attention and appreciation. To put it simple, I was an empty shell. In my early 20s while I attended university, I started to realize that I had a trend. I was always in a relationship. The single life never appealed to me.  It seemed as though no matter what I did, that life was never for me. Sometimes it would even be multiple relationships at once. In my mind, I just love to be in love and to be loved, but the truth is, what I really loved at the time, was their attention. By the time I graduated university and began working, it got worst. At first I didn’t believe that this was all tied to my search for true self worth and identity. I really was convinced that once I found one good guy to settle down with, I would be fine. I would naturally stop living this life and become a good girl.

Although I appeared very together on the outside, inside I felt filthy. Sometimes when I thought about my life, I began to hate myself. I really felt like I was a bad person. But men were not my only problem, buried deep in my inner being were hidden demons that haunted me all my life, that also made me feel worthless and shameful. I had a burden that I carried in my heart daily, but, on the outside no one could see this hurt. I was a beautiful young woman, in a good job; I was from a great family. I graduated university and made my parents proud and I knew what I was about. I was supposed to have it all together. How could I be suffering from this issue? Was there something wrong with me?

For years I was in bondage to this secret and hidden pain, I struggled with this issue alone. I never really told anyone how dead and buried I felt inside, how empty and worthless I felt. For years I thought that if only I could find that one guy to make it all better, I could settle down and change my life. All I needed was a good relationship. It wasn’t like I never dated great guys in the past, but for me, they just never made the cut, I was always missing something, he was never “the one”.

There is always a place of utter darkness that the enemy shows us to allow us to feel like there is no point of return, you are lost and nothing can “fix you.” I was at that place, I desperately needed to be fixed, many times I wondered why couldn’t I just stop, change, let go? Why was I such a disappointment to myself and even worst, how could I ever tell my family? For years, I wondered about my reputation on the streets, my name, my family’s name and what people would say about me. I was a slave to the darkness and it seemed at the time that no light was in sight. I was living as a slave to sin.