“Then Jesus said, “come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.”  Matthew 11 vs 28 (NLT)

The void

Before the Light found me, there was a lot of confusion and despair in my life, and in my mind. My life became a quest to find love. I was constantly searching for a way to take away my emptiness, that deep void that was buried inside my soul. I had a void that no degree could erase or no job could fill. I later found out after countless relationships that this was a thirst that no man could quench. I was incomplete.

For most of my life, I truly was sold on the theory that men were the answer to my problem.  I had the degree, the job, the beautiful face, the body and the charisma to charm anyone. The only thing I was missing was the fairytale ending to a well scripted love story.  Even after many unstable relationships, heartbreaks, verbal abuse and drama, I did not give up on men. I pursued them because I believed one day I would find one that would sweep me of my feet and save me from myself.

I knew my behaviour and lifestyle was unacceptable. I also knew what I was doing was wrong but, at times, it felt really good. I would start out in a relationship with a guy and it would be great, but sooner or later, I would lose interest and start searching for another relationship. Playing the field had its perks, but it also had its pitfalls, the biggest one was that it left so many scars on my heart.  It also left many scars on the hearts of others; I was hated and resented by both men and women. I dated great guys, but found that I was still unable to stay faithful. It was concluded, there really was something wrong with me. But did this revelation change my behaviour? No. Truthfully, I tried, sometimes I gave it all I could and I would become so frustrated with myself. I labelled myself the worst names in the book, my lifestyle was filthy. Who was going to save me from myself?

The “ones” before The One 

In 2010, shortly after moving to Canada, I met a guy. We instantly connected and it didn’t take us long to begin dating, after all, it all (felt) so right. As women, our feelings can become our biggest deceiver.  In June 2011, he asked me to marry him and I said Yes! I was so fully sold out on this guy. One day while I was planning my wedding, the voice of God came to me and said, “he is not your husband.” Prior to this encounter, I have always been able to hear the voice of God. In my mind I thought, how could he not be “the one” it (felt) so right. On September 18, 2011, we had a ceremonial wedding, forever was suppose to begin on that day but it didn’t. In February 2012 (5 months later), he left me. My world came crashing down, for the first time, I really needed God, I thought I was going to die, I even wanted to. The rejection broke me into a million pieces. I was so consumed with this man, when he left me; I didn’t know what to do. My happiness was tied to him and our relationship, my joy was gone.  So, with my heart tattered and torn, I silently wept before God. I was too ashamed to cry out to Him. I knew I was facing the consequence of my disobedience. No one could fix me. Who else would take me? Truthfully, I never really desired a relationship with God, I just wanted to heal. Psalms 147 vs 3 “He heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds.” (NIV)

Once I was good enough to stand on my own, I began to feel empty again, that void came back bigger than ever, I craved companionship but God begun to work on my heart. I never reverted completely back to my old ways, but I kept my options open. I entertained conversations with men I was never slightly interested in just to have company and attention. After a few months, I decided that I would focus on my career during this single season in an effort to subdue the void in my heart. I thought maybe if I got another degree, I would not feel as empty and unfulfilled.  So I applied to do my law degree. For a while, that was my focus, to become a lawyer. I had a love for the law and it kept me out of trouble.

Take 2

In 2013, my life changed again. I began dating Mr. Great Guy (see unmasking – part 1). This time it was different, the love wasn’t an overnight sensation. He had a gentle spirit and a compassionate heart that won me over. An old love that got away from Jamaica, this was my second chance to make him mine. I felt so happy. Through my eyes, our relationship brought me love, peace and security, all the things I was desperately searching for. I was overjoyed, finally, the happy ending – take 2.  I thought for sure this was it. Even though our relationship was great and we made extensive plans on how to spend our forever, something was off. He was great, so clearly it was not him, and it was me. I was still empty and unfulfilled.

At first I couldn’t understand it. I had a man who would do anything for me, we love each other and we were planning the fairytale ending, why doesn’t it feel perfect? Why was I still empty?  At this point, I realized that maybe; just maybe, God wants me to come to Him now. I knew it had to be God. There was a burden on my heart that was heavy. Even while planning my forever, I had no peace about it. The Spirit of the Lord kept saying to me, “did you ask Me if he was the one?” I was in such turmoil about it all, but out of fear of hearing “No, he is not the one,” I did not ask. Plus, I wasn’t ready yet. I had my plans and I decided in my heart that I was going to do it my way.

How could I surrender now? I could see forever with the man I love. I just wanted to be with him and get married; I can surrender to God after. To my surprise God had other plans for how that story would end.

Proverbs 19 vs 21 “Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.” (NIV)