Exposing scars can be a scary thing, but if my scars become the mirror through which you look to see your own and run to the healer, the Saviour and the deliverer, then it is worth it.

Over a year ago when I broke up with my ex, I told God that I wouldn’t date anyone for 2 years, I wouldn’t entertain anyone, I would take the time to be single and to dedicate myself to Him. When I made this declaration, it was just me and God, I sincerely just wanted to please Him and get to know me through His eyes. I prayed and asked God to hide me during this season because I knew even though my heart was willing I do become vulnerable at times. I knew I couldn’t do it without Him.

The more time I began to spend with God, the more of myself I began to discover. The first revelation I got was that the woman I grew up believing I was for years was a lie. I mean I went on this journey of asking God to show me who He created and what He had in mind when He thought of me and I expected a grand encounter, but instead I got a stripping.

When I asked God to show me who I was, the first thing He addressed was who I was not. He started taking me back into my past, my pains and my blind spots. He opened wounds deep within me that was buried so far it was as if they never existed and He confronted the circumstances, choices, decisions and actions that morphed me into the woman I was in sin. The truth is long before I chose sin, sin chose me.

I never understood until now the importance of going backward in order to move forward. For years I struggled with what I thought were some personality flaws, I concluded that something was wrong with me or that maybe this is just who I was. Going back to my past with God revealed the root of where some of the “personality flaws” began. He showed me what damaged me (the experience) who was the villain behind the experience (the enemy) and why he did it.

This week God showed me the moment in time when I gave up my voice, my opinion, the right to speak up for myself. It was an incident that happened when I was approximately between age 6-8. It baffled me how from that moment on I never spoke up for myself and I never understood where it came from and why. For me, I passed off not being able to vocalize my concerns to others as a personality trait, I never knew it was a stronghold. When God exposed the root, He opened my eyes to show me that you always had a voice, but you were silenced at the age of innocence by sexual abuse.

I am so thankful for my singleness, I never dreamed there would have come a day that I could actually say that, but I am. If I had not taken this time to press into God about who I am, and who He created, I would never be the woman I am today. I now know that despite the ugliness of reflecting on the past, God’s route was the best. Because now that He has established who I am not, my mind is open to receiving who I am. 

I am loved beyond my wildest dreams and so are you.

Coming into the knowledge of this truth does not take all the pain of the past away at once; however, it provides me with a great sense of peace. My creator thought about me and He had a specific design in mind when He spoke me into existence. I am not just an unplanned teenage pregnancy, born into poverty. I am not the girl that was mishandled by the world, that was misunderstood and rejected by many. I am not the product of the words people spoke over me, or even what they thought of me. God thought of me, He thought that I was to die for, so He died for me because I am that special to Him. Nothing or no one can change how my Father God sees me, in His eyes I am always His special girl.  

I pray that like me, you will lose yourself and find it in God our Father.

Who did God speak into existence when He made you?